The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Kindle Edition

Esther Perel is an outstanding therapist and author. One of the most well-written self-helps books I've ever read. Her ideas resonated with me most of the book, until it took a turn for the worst, seeming to accept our culture's new attitudes about "consent" to make the Poly-Amory movement OK. Just because someone agrees to participate (often with a lot of arm-twisting or one person just trying to please a potentially straying partner) doesn't make it "right" or healthy. There has been a lot of research about the need for a healthy, trusting attachment throughout the lifespan, and that includes as adults. The poly-amory movement tries to distinguish itself from the "wife-swapping" of the 1960's by establishing all kinds of "rules" and "agreements" that feign to protect the primary relationship from harm. Well, I've seen a lot of break ups and broken hearts that have resulted from poly-amorous arrangements. I will be very interested to see some longitudinal studies done because I fully expect these arrangements to not be successful long term. I'm sorry, but as an infidelity specialist for 30 years, I haven't seen long-lasting positive results from this social experiment. I was surprised that such a savvy therapist as Ms. Perel would take an accepting stance on poly-amory. Especially after the wisdom she demonstrated throughout the rest of her book.

Great book, has really helped me with my marriage and helped me understand more about affairs. Take note that I read this book almost 6-8 months after discovery of the affair and months of marriage therapy so I believe this book would not have been as helpful earlier in the process. I don’t believe my head would have been in a place of willingness to hear some of the things in this book. However, every scenario described in the book, at first I’m always upset at the cheater and can’t understand why they would do that, but after Ester explains both sides, even though I don’t agree that an affair is the right choice or a good solution, I do understand better and see that there is not always a clear right and wrong party.Overall I really like this book and feel it has really helped me in understanding affairs in general as well as in my own marriage. I will caution, like previous reviewers commented, a chapter near the end of the book suggests that maybe the problem isn’t infidelity but our society’s definition of marriage and maybe we need to rethink the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is allowed in a marriage. This, in my opinion, is flawed and goes against everything I believe. Besides this one chapter dedicated to this idea, there are moments sprinkled in the book where she hints at this notion but she herself seems confused on if that is the best solution as most of the time the relationships with more liberal open rules still end up having affairs, so her defense on this idea doesn’t have much weight. Other than those moments I love the book and it has truly helped me understand and forgive and move on, not forget, but forgive and move on.My favorite part of the book is a chapter near the end that talks about three different types of couples (referring to ones that stay together after infidelity), the ones who never move on, they stay hurt and constantly bring up the affair and the pain and blame each other, the ones that sweep it under the rug and almost pretend it never happened and “move on” but they don’t really move on because they live in denial that anything even happened, and then there are those that use the affair to transform their marriage and find the positives from the affair and can connect more deeply because of it.I gave this book 4 stars instead of 5 mainly because of the ideas I don’t agree with regarding redefining marriage, a notion that half the time she seems to be on the fence about herself but has a whole chapter dedicated to it as well as sprinkled hints about through out the book. Other than that I do like the book and found it insightful and loaded with good ideas and mainly understanding.

Recommended by couples therapist after infidelity, but it only excused his behavior rather than acknowledging his sexual acting out patterns as destructive.

I started following Esther Perel's work years ago when she did a riveting TEDtalk about infidelity & she authored a fascinating book called MATING IN CAPTIVITY. Both captivated me --not just because it's a titillating topic or because we were finally getting access to the underbelly of relationships that nobody openly discusses-- but because her work is full of human truths. About desire, love, the often inconvenient construct of marriage, egos, the secret longings people hide. Loneliness. Communication and the lack there of. Connection. Sexual alchemy. Marriage with and without kids. Trauma. Responsibility. She shines a light on all of it-- but never with sanctimony. Her work lets reality finally breathe.... uncloaked, so we can learn from it vs getting continually stuck in judgment. She discusses "what is" vs "what should be ....but never really was nor will be." These are often the same topics that come up when I coach clients, so her work rings achingly true. I've recommended her work to many clients whether they're married, dating or in between. Whether they have dealt first hand with infidelity or not. Why? Because Perel discusses the human condition in a new, enlightening way & her work reveals alternative ways to communicate & connect with those we love, about topics we've been dodging. It's authentic. So now her latest book, THE STATE OF AFFAIRS is out. Wow. Even juicier, deeper, more revealing and enlightening. Without meaning to, she may have written the first guidebook to having healthier relationships (with ourselves and others) in the REAL world, because she tells us the actual state of affairs, not that Face-tuned version. Yes it's about infidelity... but really it's about SO much more. Cannot recommend it highly enough. I listen to the Audible version in my car & also at night when I sit outside. It's like hanging out with your smartest girlfriend after she's traveled the world. So grateful for her honesty, hard work, passion and compassion-- all of which she shares with lucky us. IG aging.gracefully

This book written by a psychotherapist and counsellor who has worked with couples will be of interest to anyone interested in relationships. It is also well written with an good narrative flow.At the beginning of the book Esther Peel looks at the conventional wisdom on partnerships and marriages and fidelity in them. She points out that in Western society there are strong views that partners in these are expected to stay loyal to each other, with out straying elsewhere for intimacy and sex. She does not appear to have problems with this per se, but points out there are many divergences form this path. It is human nature to transgress boundaries, even if this is painful.What follows are a large number of accounts of cases she has encountered. This includes infidelity in conventional marriages, both homo- and hetro- sexual partnerships, open relationships (where issues of infidelity can crop up despite there being a permission to find additional partnerships) as well as ones that insist on monogamy. She looks also at issues of betrayal, the pain of discovery of an affair, how some affairs may save people from bad partnerships and also how that affairs may sometimes (paradoxically?) even save and strengthen relationships. Perel also looks at the various kind of people involved, apparently settled people, those who prefer to have affairs rather than stay in a single one.All in all the range of people discussed here is wide. Perel's aim is not to discredit monogamy, but to suggest what is needed is a little more space for people in their situations to work through. At one point in the narrative she ponders on the general state of knowledge around human sexuality. As she states it is limited. This book contributes to expanding that space a little more. An enlightening read.

I spent 30 years as a GP listening to really nice people who had got themselves into a muddle. With a personal list I had the privilege of knowing both sides of the equation - sometimes over 3 or 4 generation's of the same families. The title 'Rethinking Infidelity' is very apt.I wonder how many couples would have stayed together had they understood what motivates an affair - not least a million years of evolution!My betting is that the current generation will be much less likely to run into trouble as there is so much less shame, religion and humiliation around. They do talk to each other as well...! That's the formula!

This book is excellent, looking at a widespread phenomenon openly and fairly, accepting that many people involved in affairs have their own opinions, reasons and motivations. She doesn't underplay the heartache or risks, but looks honestly at how these situations occur - the overt and unconscious motivations, and the different reactions and possibilities once the affair has been discovered. She looks at the current American habit of turning to divorce far more readily than happened in the past or happens in certain other cultural situations, tries to offer a range of options, and recognises that the individual people involved make each situation unique, although certain patterns recur. She recognises the input of religion, family, nation and personal moral judgments.

I bought this book to gain more insight into many aspects ..jealousy, desire, relationship dynamics.. not just issues of infidelity, and not specifically because I had experienced it - but just out of curiosity. I've looked for many alternatives to unanswered questions, and Esther did not disappoint in providing this insight. Thank you Esther.. Really spot on. I'm 28 years old and have recommended this to all my girlfriends as a general advice book, in seeing things from a different perspective + it helps us discuss things in our group that we've seen in our general realm. Prompt delivery service too!

Esther explained in a parallel view of infidelity. Many people thinks this as a curse or once cheated you are done for life. But from her experience she explains the both sides and try to reconnect the missing dots. It helped me to stay in track. I would 100 recommend this book to any couple who is going through a rough time. The partner can also benefit from the book to see how and why they did it.