When Pleasing You Is Killing Me (1)

I've really felt heard, seen and understood reading this book. Where other books on this same topic have been helpful but somewhat theoretical or too focused on the psychological history and patterns or profiles of pleasers, I found this just right with a greater focus on tools and future behaviours. Yes it was like a series of coaching sessions! It also had so much value adding insights and new perspectives that can only come from someone who has worked very extensively on the topic. I love his You tube videos and was anxious his writing might disappoint but has translated exactly the same - warm, sincere, wise and so encouraging and respectful. I'll be coming back to some chapters often.

Would highly recommend this book to anyone attempting to survive a toxic relationship.

From the very first lines of this book, I felt like it was written by someone who knew each and every one of my struggles. Every new chapter or list of example scenarios was ding! Ding! Ding! for me. I loved the structure of this book- while I won’t say it’s ‘innovative’ in that sense, it’s darn effective and at the end of the day… that’s what we all want, right? Change! The powerful insights and no nonsense communication style of this book had me hooked. I would look forward to my morning journaling time the night before. I remember being about halfway through and thinking… what ELSE could Dr. Carter possibly have to say?! But it just kept getting deeper into areas of my life I had never even considered. If you are ready to do the work sincerely, this book will change your life! For me, I realized I had built my entire identity around the warped cornerstone of the controllers in my life… nothing about my experience seemed to square up. Now, I am REBUILDING my DREAM SELF around ME as a cornerstone in a healthy and loving way that’s better for me and everyone I have a relationship with. I will and have absolutely recommended this gem of a book to friends and family. I intend to reread it as well as refer to my notes and highlights. My only complaint about this book is that I ended up highlighting 90% of it! For all those seeking to set yourself free once and for all- let this book be your guide. Be Well! 🙏🏼

I found this book while watching the videos Dr. Carter has on YouTube. I have loved reading it. I've marked so many passages I plan to review over and over again. I've even put some of the practices to work and have had wonderful results. A neighbor had done something rude to my son in church. When he called to apologize I told him thank you but asked him to apologize to my son in person. I never would have done that before. He did and I knew he was uncomfortable but it went well and I know he'll never be rude to my son again. I was fine with another's discomfort for a change, to create a better outcome for all involved. I'm still working on dealing with the narcissistic in-law in my life. But as I think things thru objectively, I see why my new choices are important to follow thru on. Thanks Dr. Carter!

Bought this book after going no contact with a narcissistic sibling who had been overwhelming me with self-doubt for what seems like a lifetime of abuse. In fact, it was a lifetime of abuse. Honestly, it caught me off guard since I thought it was another of the several books I've recently read on narcissism and how to deal with it. While it does touch on narcissism and can certainly be applied to dealing with someone with a narcissistic personality, it's more internally focused on YOU and changing your own mindset on how you deal with your own people pleasing personality. Especially if you've been in a situation where you've dealt with long term manipulation. One can be conditioned to think that this is how you need to be to be accepted which in turn can lead to additional manipulation by others who see your people pleasing personality as something to be taken advantage of. It's a vicious cycle but thankfully, one that can be broken as long as you re-train your brain to stop that cycle. I seriously couldn't put this book down and if life's responsibilities hadn't gotten in the way, I would have read it in a single day. What I had never thought about was that I tend to be a people pleaser. Not in all situations but there are times where I do it without even thinking, like it's instinct. While it isn't a bad mentality to have, you also have to know when to turn it off without shame or guilt overtaking you. Sadly, there are manipulative people everywhere and it's seemingly getting worse as our society "evolves", especially here in the US. There's nothing wrong with being a people pleaser, just don't let it get so bad that it leaves you feeling empty inside because you forgot about the most important person in your life...you! This book is a must read if you're a people pleaser or if you have an interest in psychology and learning different ways to think. Don't read it once and forget about it either, refer back to it as many times you feel it's necessary and don't forget the lessons it teaches you. After the initial reaction of "this isn't about narcissism" I had, I found this book to be a paradigm shift for me personally and was pleasantly surprised with the direction of focus being internal. There were quite a few "wow" moments for me throughout the book and as eluded to already, I'll be reading it again.

So much good information in this book. Using real life people to help get the point across. I was surprised to know that being a people pleaser is dishonest. You're being dishonest with yourself and others. This is not a good thing, and Dr. Carter gives some good counsel about what to do about it. I have marked the heck out of this book with highlighters and pens. There are spaces to write down your own thoughts or answer questions given to really make you think about what you're doing with your life. I love Dr. Carter and this book! Binding is a little stiff. Some pages came loose, but that's probably because I've marked it up so much and I've been a little rough with it!

When you're an empathetic person, it is very easy to over-extend yourself for others. In some cases, others see this as a prime opportunity to take advantage of your giving nature. This book allows to you to see how letting others run over you is not healthy for you or the other person. People pleasers carry around some bitterness and resentment because they get burned out with trying to keep everyone else happy at their own expense. This book helps you to rethink the need for you to create boundaries and it offers some very useful strategies. If you are ready to do the work and make some significant changes, this book if for you!

This book is so enlightening. If you even happen to think you may be a people pleaser this book is a MUST READ. Improve your relationships and your life. This book teaches you so many things that you may be completely unaware of such as: exactly how your people pleasing behavior is so damaging, the truths behind this behavior and what it does for us, how we may have developed these tendencies and how to make changes to have better, healthier habits and relationships! I only wish I had read it a long time ago! Learn to be kind and loving without being a doormat and read this book now! You will be glad you did.

Dr Les Carter knows his subject well and has provided a book that is sure to guide people pleasers in the right direction to lead a happy and satisfying life without the need to please others. I thoroughly recommend it.

I found all the advice really helpful and well explained, I really recommend it if this is a main issue for you!

Very good and good advice. Good book to get encouraged to break the people pleasing patterns. Easy to read the kindle format

Amazing resource for people pleasers that combines theory with practical advice. It will free you from any guilt associated with having a basic self-respect. After reading this book I don't feel like I need to look for another book on assertiveness. I would rather revisit this one. The book is dense with empowering and balanced ideas and perspectives and is easy to read and follow. I can't think of any negatives. Some memorable quotes: "You're only as healthy as your secrets allow you to be. (...) Be honest about who you are and make no effort to hide the real you." "You will need to recognize that others have flaws and imperfections and they cannot amend if you constantly hide your truth from them and seek to appease them as they live insensitively."

Dr Les Carter puts into words the things I’ve known about myself deep down but have never been able to fully rationalise and move forward with on my own. I feel validated in my experiences and reactions to controlling people thus far in my life after the way I was brought up, but I also feel reassured that I can and will need to break free of my own bad habits developed as a result of this upbringing. The responsibility is mine to alter patterns of compliance that lead to a disservice to everyone involved as I enable the bad behaviour of others and create more inner turmoil for myself by only avoiding short term conflict. I am empathetic but it is not my place to take on the additional responsibility that others refuse to take on themselves for their negative emotions in response to my reasonable assertiveness. This is as long as my assertiveness is founded on my core beliefs and confidence in my own authentic, good intentions and desire for fairness. I do not need to over explain my rationale as this is often futile, and I do not need to engage in an argument to uphold my position. Those who are capable of being receptive to my needs will develop a greater level of trust in me having been more honest in expressing my own strengths and limitations in a calm and direct manner. It is also good to know that I am not inherently flawed in my people pleasing nature, but rather it has been over learned to a point of burnout and potential inauthenticity. I would recommend this book especially to anyone else who grew up with a controlling, emotionally immature and/or narcissistic parent.