The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World Paperback – Illustrated, April 7, 2015

I discovered The Book of Forgiving in 2021 between my separation and divorce in a presentation on “Learning How to Forgive,” where 1/3 of the quotes came from this book. I have spent my whole life studying the scriptures and learning the importance of forgiveness and attempting to forgive others. But before reading this book, I was doing things and acting in ways that were impeding my ability to heal. Unfortunately, I find most people do not know “how” to heal. This is the first book that taught me “how” to forgive–what works and what doesn’t work. After reading and studying this book, I had actually had the power and strength to heal. It is one of my top 2 foundational books that I read in 2021 on building and repairing relationships–the other book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work–I read about 30 to 40 books a year. Of all the books that I recommend to friends, this book is the most popular among them and caused/created the greatest change with them. I get the most comments on this book on the benefits to my friends. While Desmond Tutu and I are both Christian, and the Christian perspective adds more depth to the book, the ideas and concepts around forgiveness are applicable to anyone. Most of the major religions and philosophies subscribe to these principles of forgiveness.One of the most powerful models for healing is understanding the fourfold path forgiveness cycle and the revenge cycle (page 49). When we experience hurt, harm, and/or loss, we will experience physical and/or emotional pain. What we do next will determine if we enter the revenge cycle by default or intentionally choose to heal. Fundamental to healing is to understand that we are dual beings and the same person is capable of doing both great kindness and good as well as meanness and evil depending on the situation–our humanity. I believe that we are inherently good but we are also capable of doing bad and sometimes awful things at times. We need to recognize this shared humanity if we want to heal and move forward in our lives. Otherwise, we will reject this shared humanity and get stuck and trapped in the revenge cycle, which leads to desires for revenge, retaliation, and payback and eventually violence and cruelty, which continues to perpetuate the hurt, harm, and/or loss. A common tactic in the revenge cycle is “labeling”--characterizing someone as one-sided–especially demonizing someone in an attempt to strip them of their humanity, which is used extensively in politics, media, and social media. If someone uses the term(s), “narcissist,” “narcissism,” “racism,” or any other “-ism,” they are probably stuck in the revenge cycle.Choosing to heal is not about stuffing and suppressing our feelings, but giving them a more effective and proper voice and a less detrimental and destructive outlet. First, we must recognize our shared humanity. Second, we need to tell our story–preferably with details. Third, we need to name the hurt and the emotions that we are experiencing–hopefully with granularity. We can only tame what we can name. Fourth, we need to grant forgiveness–which is NOT reestablishing trust–but a mechanism for us to move one. In granting forgiveness, we need to let go of a better, expected, and/or hoped-for past–unfortunately, it is gone. Fifth, we need to renew or release the relationship. Most relationships can be repaired, usually with appropriate boundaries, but a very few toxic relationships may need to be released and contact with a perpetrator–a person continuing to seek harm–may need to be terminated.If you are very personal with your experiences and feelings, like me, you might struggle with forgiveness and healing. If you are unable to tell your story and name your emotions and hurts, you might just be repressing the revenge cycle, which will emerge at an inopportune time. Been there, done that. You’ll especially need this book.Some of my favorite quotes of the book: “Healing does not draw a veil over the hurt. Rather, healing and reconciliation demand an honest reckoning. For Christians, Jesus Christ sets the pattern for forgiveness and reconciliation. He offered his betrayers forgiveness. Jesus, the Son of God, could erase the signs of leprosy; heal those broken in body, mind, or spirit; and restore sight to the blind. He must also have been able to obliterate the signs of the torture and death he endured. But he chose not to erase that evidence. After the resurrection, he appeared to his disciples. In most instances, he showed them his wounds and his scars. This is what healing demands. Behavior that is hurtful, shameful, abusive, or demeaning must be brought into the fierce light of truth. And truth can be brutal. In fact, truth may exacerbate the hurt; it might make things worse. But if we want real forgiveness and real healing, we must face the real injury.” (page 24)Unfortunately, most people don’t know how to listen and/or acknowledge harm.“How to Listen (page 82)• Do not question the facts.• Do not cross-examine.• Create a safe space.• Acknowledge what happened.• Empathize with the pain.”“How to Acknowledge the Harm (page 108)• Listen.• Do not try to fix the pain.• Do not minimize the loss.• Do not offer advice.• Do not respond with your own loss or grief.• Keep confidentiality.• Offer your love and your caring.• Empathize and offer comfort.”“Perhaps you believe you have already accepted what has happened and forgiven person who harmed you. This is wonderful. In fairness, I must caution that many people, even very spiritual people, try to leap over their suffering in pursuit of their inner peace or their sense of what is the right thing to do. The words of forgiveness are said, but the reality of forgiveness has not taken root in their hearts and lives.” (page 128)This is one of the most transformative books that I have ever read. Reading and following the guidance of this book will liberate your soul.

This is probably one of the best books about forgiveness I’ve ever read. I’ve used it now multiple times as a Lenten book study for church groups.Rooted in the spiritual and psychological wisdom of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, this book offers a practical, heartfelt, and deeply human approach to forgiveness—one that doesn’t bypass pain but walks through it with grace and integrity.Whether you’ve experienced trauma, betrayal, or simply the small daily wounds we all accumulate, this book offers a process that is both accessible and transformative.Forgiveness is not presented as a quick fix or a moral obligation, but as a radical act of courage and liberation. The stories and reflections remind us that forgiveness is not about excusing harm, but about freeing ourselves from the chains of resentment and reclaiming our own peace.This book is a gift to anyone carrying the weight of old wounds. It doesn’t promise that the journey will be easy, but it assures us that healing is possible—and that love and reconciliation are not naïve ideals, but deep truths we can live into.Highly recommended for readers of all backgrounds—this is not just a book to read, but one to return to again and again.

Awesome book!

Over the years I've heard the "tsk, tsk, tsk, you must forgive if you want to be forgiven" sermon coming from various pulpits more times than I care to remember. Not once have I heard a sermon telling people HOW to heal the deep wounds of a heart and soul torn and wounded by unimaginable abuses and/or tragedies. Likewise with various Christian commentaries I read over the years.God knows I tried to forgive the way most churches explain forgiveness (by just pretending it didn't hurt or simply stuffing the bad feelings down and never talking about the abuse) thereby completely eliminating the very first step of the fourfold path to forgiveness described in this book. Spiritually, I likely resembled one of those hypocritical white washed tombs Christ railed against, which is ironic because I was actually trying so hard to be a good Christian then.If you are one of those Christians who think the way to forgive is to just instantaneously get over it, ask yourself this. Did the good Samaritan lecture the victim on the side of the road about the necessity of forgiving his perpetrator and then simply walk away? No, he tended to the victim's wounds. Likewise, the authors of this book care for the wounded.Rather than simply taking biblical passages out of context and reciting the typically inadequate, rote lectures on how one should, must, and ought to forgive, they talk about the process of forgiveness. And yes, they use the word "process" because deep, gashing wounds require tender care and may need time to heal.One can almost hear all the shoulds, musts, oughts and or elses as they fall to the floor clanging like heavy metal chains, mercifully releasing wounded captives as the authors tenderly explain how to walk through the grief process and let the great physician (God) cleanse and purify wounded hearts (much like a doctor would cleanse a physical wound instead of ignoring it or slapping a band aid on a severe injury).It can be an excruciatingly painful process, but the authors are right when they say "the only way out of what hurts is though it."