The Emotionally Absent Mother, Second Edition

I had heard about this book from I do not recall where. I will, however, recall how much I have learned from it. It is smartly written, backed up my years of research and includes questions, lists for the reader to review. It was a bit painful to read at times but the insight it has given me far exceeded that. I have recommended to my sisters as well. I strongly suggest anyone with mother's who had difficulty parenting or being present to read this book. It is illuminating and will give you tremendous insight as well as comfort that you are not alone in how you were raised and how you might continue to feel. It is helpful in healing. My mother came here on an arranged marriage from the Middle East. She was 17, he was 52. 4 children by the times she was 24. One summer they went back to spend a summer with family. He caught wind that she went to her parents and begged for a divorce (He was emotionally, physically & sexually abusive). Her depression was evident and, without disclosing what he heard, he sent her back here & left the children to finish their vacation coming back in a month's time. He then went into "hiding" with them. By the time he returned he had a new (older, old maid type) of wife and prevented her from seeing them (it was the 50's AND the culture in arab dominated locations here) She married my father to 'replace' the four kids she lost (adding to that, our father left her with 4 kids under the age of 5 as he chose drinking & irresponsibility for a life). A recipe for disaster in parenting in a healthy manner. IN any event (I am not one to be so forthcoming with this but feel it is important for context) it was not a healthy environment for us, we did not know about her past. My point is that there are a variety of ways that cause a mother to be 'absent'. Certainly alcohol plays a part for some. My general point is that there is always a back story and although this material was not available to those of us from a certain generation, it is now and gives a great many people to understand, forgive, and repair. I guarantee that.

This book is a game-changer for me. I say "is" rather than "has been," because I just read it once, like a novel (it's that well written!), and I now plan to go back and re-read it as a workbook and to do the exercises. Just after a quick read though, I believe - for the first time in my life (I am in my 40s) - that I can change what I had thought were core aspects of my personality, and that it is possible to heal the wounds inflicted by one's childhood. To know if this is a book for you, see if you can relate to this: I always knew I had a "bad" mother, but because I was not severely neglected or abused, I could not verbalize what the problems were and I even mocked myself for my own grief. It was only after reading this book that I realized that my mother used to ridicule my feelings, the way I was ridiculing myself as an adult; and consistently put her emotional needs ahead of mine, often projecting them onto me. At some point, I just shut down and refused to acknowledge any feelings or emotional needs, and this has continued into my adult life. I didn't think it was possible for me to be any other way. The book already has empowered me to believe in my capacity to make positive changes, and make me think that maybe, just maybe, I can be a good mother myself. Also, for those who may be put off by the mystical-poetry-and-yoga aspects of the author, please know that I am on the Ron Swanson side of the fence and would have rather spent a couple hours doing crossword puzzles or going to a fancy restaurant than reading a self-help book, but I am so glad I did. This book will make you make your pain come to the surface, but it will give you realistic tools for dealing with it when it's there. Bon voyage, fellow undermothered souls.

Good information

Eye opening - informative. Explains a lot. We all are broken parents - learn and move on. Don’t repeat the patterns.

My my experience with this type of parent, I think this book should be required reading for all Midwestern parents of eastern European origin - especially those of Wisconsin, Chicago and Michigan (especially Michigan) where I was raised or spent time - that is, those cultures who, as a whole, raise children 'by hand' and follow the Prussian school of child raising . So many children are damaged by abuse and neglect, and this has to truly be cause of much personal unhappiness and societal social problems in the U.S. Ms Lee-Cori gives a thorough description of the problem in a way that's compassionate that is easily understandable to anyone who've experienced neglect and abuse at the hands of their parents. Then she goes on to describe practical solutions to how one might approach resolution in their adult years. This book gives hope and is worth studying. It's heartbreaking to think that we in the U.S. would treat our children and other individuals so poorly without addressing this problem as a social concern with a long-term plan aimed at resolution. Perhaps this is the case, as this book wasn't available years ago so slowly we are headed in the right direction. But better yet, just reading this book has given me an insight into problems we all face and a daily basis and has made me a better person in that I can communicate with other people in a compassionate and constructive way. That alone is worth ten times the price of the book.

Bravo!! This book is very well written in an easy way to understand. It helped me process trauma that I thought was my fault but now I know my mom was emotionally absent and I’m not to blame!!

Well written, informative, and eye-opening. I just started reading it, but it's really good so far. I love psychology, and this definitely includes some of that information and goes along those lines.

Whether you're a therapist trying to help clients heal from attachment wounds or just a regular person who's trying to understand and heal from the effects of a mother who wasn't fully there for you or attentive to your needs in childhood, this book is a must read. The author does a good job of not blaming mothers who were emotionally absent while still validating the hurt that the child experienced from "undermothering." She provides an easy to understand framework for the various roles a "good mother" would fulfill and how deficits in these areas may lead to long term negative impacts for her children. The author also provides an excellent description of various forms of attachment and how our early (and ongoing) experiences with our mother can impact our attachment style. The last section of the book is dedicated to the healing process. There were some helpful suggestions provided by the author, however, healing is a unique, personal process for each person, so if the activities she suggests do not resonate with you, I would highly recommend moving forward with finding a therapist who specializes in attachment theory and attachment wounds to help you on your healing journey. Overall, this is an excellent resource, and I would highly recommend it.

Dit boek geeft een duidelijk beeld van de emotioneel afwezige moeder, de impact hiervan op het kind en wat je, op latere leeftijd, zelf kan doen om de schade (enigszins) te herstellen. Ik ben dankbaar, dat dit boek op mijn pad is gekomen. Het lezen ervan was af en toe confronterend en emotioneel, maar ik ben achteraf blij, dat ik het gedaan heb. Het heeft mijn ogen geopend.

If you truly suspect SERIOUS issues with your relationship with your mother, especially if you were / are or thinking of therapy - read this. It's not only a wise and thorough book (NOT a silly self-help do this and your life will be transformed book). It's beautifully written and full of wisdom and compassion, compassion for hurt adult daughters but also messed up mothers that hurt us. For all of us who want to rever and give a better deal to our daughters, so not to repeat the heritage of neglect or ill emotions. I'd say this book might depress some, if it makes you realise how deep your issues are but you luck the commitment to take it up with the therapist so be aware of it , if you want to make the most of the wisdom that is there. But most of all hats off to the author, for putting so much both expertise and heart and original but very comprehensive approach to the mother-daughter drama. She did not write a book to make money and advance her career, she wrote it as she had so much wise and good to share, and you feel it as you read it. Thanks for that!

The book has a very good quality of paper. The content is very interesting.

A must read for every woman

A bit softer in its tone compared to other books on the same subject in that many books about immature parents often seem to centre around narssistic mother’s, where as I found this book very good as it didn’t do that. Most people have had some kind of neglect but not everyone has narssistic parents, it’s usually pattern they picked up from their neglect from their parents. It showed understanding to the mother without taking anything away from the one who had been neglected. I thought well written, and helped feel understood, also was good to see how everyone reacts different to neglect and the different styles, helped me be a bit more understanding of others too. I highly recommend this book. It was the first book I read on the subject and was a real eye opener and I plan on rereading.