About the Author
----------------
Zachary Auburn is a writer and artist whose 'zines include
an analysis of every outfit worn by the Golden Girls in the first
season, a Choose Your Own Adventure about a tortured relationship
(which Slate called a "small masterpiece"), and a field guide to
the aliens on Star Trek. He has been profiled in the Portland
Mercury, Catster magazine, and Utne Reader.
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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
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Chapter 1
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT ABOUT SAFETY
Do I need to talk to my cat about safety?
The first question many of you will be asking is, “Do I really
need to teach my cat about safety?” The answer is an
unequivocal “Yes!!!” The Constitution of the United States of
America guarantees us the right to own and operate firearms, and
that is a right we must exercise in order to keep our country
y, lest our democracy atrophy. It is the duty of all
American citizens—as well as their cats—to be able to use and
maintain a firearm. Citizens who cannot handle a safely are
as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a at
all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is
impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our
country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our
nation against the enemies of democracy.
Do cats really play with s?
Yes! Absolutely yes! Even a cursory search of the Internet will
turn up dozens of pictures of cats playing with s, almost all
handling them in an incredibly unsafe manner. The pictures above
and on page 7 are but a small sample—the tip of the iceberg—that
illustrates the very real danger posed by cats who are uneducated
in the ways of safety.
So my cat finds a , what’s the big deal?
It is frequently said that curiosity killed the cat, but what is
often left unsaid is that the actual cause of death was the
improper discharge of a firearm by a poorly trained feline. Cats
are inquisitive creatures, no doubt about it. They are going to
explore every nook and cranny of your home. And if you keep a
firearm in your place of residence (which you should), it is only
a matter of time before your cat discovers it. Pawse for a
meowment to think about which scenario you would rather have play
out:
Your cat, never having seen or handled a before, bats it
around as if it’s just another toy or stuffed mouse, possibly
discharging it in the process?
Or,
Your cat, whom you have already talked to about how a firearm is
a tool and not a toy, and who has received extensive training on
the proper handling of the weapon, discovers your firearm and
accords it the respect it is due?
The answer should be as obvious as the whiskers on your cat’s
face!
Is it safe to own a if I have cats in my house?
Pawsitively yes! A is a tool, plain and simple. While it does
have the potential to cause injury, the same is true of cleaning
s, knives, and matches. It is only because of the
propaganda and e tactics of the liberal, Jew-run media that
Americans second-guess the wisdom of keeping s in their
households—e tactics that undoubtedly serve their greater
agenda to overthrow the rightful leadership of the United States,
and the subsequent imposition of a European-based one-world
government. If anything, once you have explained to your cat the
importance of responsible handling, having a firearm in your
home will make your cat considerably safer. Not only will your
fluffy little friend be prepared to fend off criminal, foreign,
or supernatural threats, but cats from -free homes are more
likely to be curious about weapons they encounter than cats who
are already familiar with them. As we will discuss in the next
section, it is impossible to guarantee that your cat will never
come into contact with a , so make sure your kitty is ready
for it when that day finally arrives!
I’m responsible with my , why should I bother to teach my cat
about safety?
You always keep your s unloaded when not in use. They are
stored in a secured safe that only you have the key to. You
even have trigger locks. Surely with all these precautions you
don’t need to talk to your cat about responsible firearm usage,
right? Wrong. Dead wrong! Even if you keep your firearms secure,
that doesn’t mean your cat won’t encounter one elsewhere,
especially if they’re an outside cat. Do you really know what
your cat is up to when they leave the house? What other cats they
associate with? Where they go? What they’re doing? While 40
percent of American households are smart enough to own at least
one firearm, not all of them are as responsible as you. Think
about how many homes on your block alone might have unsecured
weapons your cat could get their paws on. Even worse, many of
these unsecured s are kept in cardboard boxes, a container
most cats will find irresistible. If your pet were to come into
contact with a without the proper training, it could be a
catastrophe!
ADVICE FROM OUR EXPURRTS
All the s in the world won’t do your cat a lick of good if he
doesn’t have the ammewnition to back them up. Wrapping your cat
in a bandolier will help ensure he’s ready for trouble wherever
he goes, whether it’s out in the neighborhood, using his litter
box, or even snuggled in his favorite blanket.
What is the best age to start talking to my cat about safety?
The easy answer is that no age is too young to start introducing
your cat to the benefits and responsibilities of ownership,
but realistically, you should wait until at least a week after
birth, when cats begin to open their eyes. At no point in your
cat’s life will it be more playful and precocious than when
they’re a kitten. The obituaries are filled with families who
thought that their kitten was too young to play with s, that
they could wait until the cat was just a little bit older to
instruct them on proper firearm usage and safety. This assumption
is irresponsible, and—too often—al! If anything, the
youthfulness of your kitten is even more reason to teach them
about firearms. Never forget: your kitten’s curiosity,
clumsiness, mischievousness, and lack of problem-solving
abilities can be a deadly combination!
What are the risks of not talking to my cat about safety?
Every day that you hesitate in talking to your cat about
safety you are putting yourself, your loved ones, and your cat at
risk. Think about your cat, sitting by a window, watching a bird
in a nearby tree. How much does your cat want to catch that
bird!? They desire nothing more, and if your cat has not been
trained to respect the power of a firearm, they may try to use
your to do it!
You may think that there’s no danger in this, that cats are
natural hunters. But until your cat has practiced in the
controlled setting of a reputable and licensed firing range, you
cannot assume that they have the skills necessary to operate the
safely. While cats do possess many innate skills when it
comes to hunting, the operation of a firearm is not among them.
Over 40 percent of firearm accidents involving cats are caused by
improperly trained felines attempting to shoot birds out of
trees: accidents that lead to the wounding or death of tens of
thousands of humans and cats every single year. This is the most
common danger you expose your household to when you fail to talk
to your cat about safety, but it’s certainly not the only
one. Don’t procatstinate! Talk to your cat today!
Wait, does that mean that I shouldn’t allow my cat to use a
while hunting?
No, of course your cat should have access to all the weaponry our
Founding hers risked their lives to guarantee us, whether it
be a simple Beretta 9mm or a fully automatic AK-47. However, if
your cat is going to use a firearm for hunting, it is important
to make sure that they are properly licensed, that they do not
fire the within five hundred feet of a residential area, and
that they understand the importance of wearing a highly visible
orange hunting vest. Further, since cats are color blind, it is
advisable that you mark the vest in some way so your cat will be
able to tell it apart from any other non-orange vests they own of
a similar cut.
Is it wise to teach my cat how to use a ? How do I know I can
trust them?
Some have said that our cats might have greater loyalty to other
cats than to their country, but this is patently untrue. Just
like how it’s written out, American cats are Americans first and
cats second. I have no doubt that when there is some sort of
incursion by the European Union or the United Nations to impose
their sovereignty upon America, despite the presence of cats on
both sides of the conflict, American cats will stand with us. Our
cats were born here and they have tasted the sweet fruits of our
democracy. It is prepawsterous to think that their blood would
run any less red than that of a human American patriot.
How do cats fit in to the defense of America?
There are almost one hundred million cats living in American
households, and untold millions more loosely organized into feral
militias. Do you not think that the enemies of our nation quake
in fear at the thought of an extra hundred million soldiers
defending our country—soldiers who possess superhuman reflexes,
balance, and unrivaled night vision? The importance of cats to
national defense is something that has been understood by many of
our greatest presidents, from Abraham Lincoln to George W. Bush,
and is something that, as vigilant Americans, we must never
furget.
Besides safety, why should I teach my cat how to handle a ?
Simply because it is the duty of every American citizen, human
and cat alike, to exercise the rights bestowed upon us by the
U.S. Constitution. By teaching your cat about the potential
dangers your home might face—such as burglars, dogs, ghosts, and
foreign enemies of the United States—as well as the proper way to
respond to them, you are helping to fulfill the destiny of the
greatest nation ever conceived of. Failing to train your cat to
use firearms is a betrayal of everything that George Washington
and our other Founding hers held dear.
Are there any types of s that are inappropriate for my cat to
use?
While forbidding the use of any would be a violation of your
cat’s Second Amendment rights, there are some types of firearm
that might be better suited for cats than others. While virtually
any cat will be able to handle a lightweight 9mm with ease, few
cats excepting perhaps a Maine Coon or Norwegian Forest Cat will
have the size and strength necessary to fire a Desert Eagle or
Barrett 82A1 safely, at least without extensive training. But if
there is one hard-and-fast rule on this topic, it’s this: under
no circumstances should you provide your cat with a equipped
with a laser , as your cat is likely to be more interested
in the dot it makes than in the deer, burglar, or communist in
their s.
Is it even legal for my cat to own a ?
At this point in time the legality of cats owning s is a gray
area. Nanny-state liberals who don’t think that Americans can be
trusted to wipe their own bottoms, let alone own firearms, have
imposed draconian background checks and permits that technically
prevent a cat from registering a firearm. However, there is
nothing in the U.S. Constitution that explicitly forbids cats
from owning s. Until the day when some brave purrtriot has the
courage to buy a , register it, get arrested, then appeal the
case all the way to the Supreme Court, we cannot say for certain;
however, we feel sure that someday soon our cats will finally
have the right to proudly own and bear arms—legally!
Okay, you’ve convinced me! Now what?
When you finally do decide to have the talk with your cat, make
sure it’s in a quiet place, free from distractions. As amewsing
as your kitty might be when they’re playing with a dangling piece
of string, this is a serious discussion, and it is important that
you have your cat’s undivided attention. Place your cat on your
lap and make sure to give them lots of pets while you’re speaking
to ensure that you have their full attention. If you have more
than two cats, or if you have experienced an accident whereby you
have lost the use of one or more arms, enlist a partner or friend
to join you for the discussion and to pet any cats in excess of
the number of working arms you have.
Is there anything specific I should tell my cat?
There is no one perfect script to use when talking to your cat.
However, there are four key points every conversation should hit
on:
êIf you encounter a strange , don’t touch it!
êNever let your paw touch the trigger unless you are prepared to
fire the .
êNever point the at something unless you intend to shoot it.
êRemember, s are not balls of yarn. They shouldn’t be batted
around or handled lightly. Always keep a secure grip on your .
How can I prepare my cat for the threats they will commonly face?
An oft-neglected aspect of safety is knowing how to wield
your firearm against your enemy in an appropriate fashion. All
the safety training in the world will do no good if your cat
isn’t purrpared with the specific tactics and strategy needed
against a given foe. Here are pointers for some of the most
commonly encountered dangers to our furry friends.
êDogs are often, as it is commonly said, all bark and no bite.
Instruct your cat to fire a warning if an angry or
aggressive dog confronts them. This will be enough to e most
dogs away without resorting to bloodshed. Remember, when firing a
warning , always fire down into the ground, not into the air!
(Note: if you own a dog, do not use the advice in this book to
educate them about firearms. Please refer to our guidebook “How
to Talk to Your Dog About Safety” instead.)
êBurglars, while posing a potentially serious threat to your
cat’s safety, should not be met with lethal force. In many cases
it will suffice merely to m the intruder. Just because your
cat is the cutest little cutie-pie in the world does not mean
they possess the higher brain functions and powers of reasoning
necessary to decide the e of every criminal who crosses your
threshold.
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